|
|
Commentary by D.K. Roberts
OCCUPIED TALLAHASSEE - The Hummers rolled in Monday, terrorizing the azalea-lined streets of the capital. Many had old "GALLAGHER" bumper stickers hastily covered with ones that say "CRIST FOR GOVERNOR." On others, the rear window "W the President" insignia had been partially scraped off with a steak knife. Obviously they'd seen combat. Citizens cowered in their homes as the Hummers idled outside, burning enough fossil fuels to make an Exxon executive turn cartwheels of joy. Overnight, the Gulf of Mexico rose an inch; overnight, the hot air of Tallahassee got hotter.
The Legislature is back in town.
Yet things are different: Bachelor Number 1, now resident in the Governor's Mansion, is not an autocrat, a control freak or a jerk. In other words he's ("Hi, I'm Charlie!") the Anti-Jeb. Apparently, he does not regard Florida as just another port of call on his voyage of world domination. Indeed, the Anti-Jeb has taken to dismantling the dread legacy of the Uber-Jeb: firing Jebistas from state agencies, overturning Jeb's decrees, contravening Jebism wherever he finds it. This guy cares about endangered species - he gives Florida Democrats jobs! Even weirder, he's into full disclosure: during his State of the Tan - er -STATE speech on Tuesday, he announced that the new Office of Open Government "replaces the door with a window - and sun shines through that window!" He used the phrase "alternative fuel sources" in a sentence. Hell, he even thinks your vote should count.
Could it be that democracy, so difficult to grow in the bituminous soil of Iraq, is actually spreading to Florida? Now, before you get too excited at the prospect, remember that climate change here has made cultivating democracy much iffier. Florida hasn't had a tradition of democratic government for more than eight years. The Uber-Jeb didn't hold with such things.
And don't forget the Hummerites. These people are in the minority, but they are accustomed to wielding power. Some are legislators. The more important of the Hummerites, free of the messy business of getting "elected," are lobbyists: you know, the ones who actually write the bills. Their status has been diminished by regime change and new ethics laws that forbid them from taking their pet representatives out for mega-steaks and magnums of Bolly, golfing trips to the Bahamas and bottomless cocktails at Clyde's. But they're at their most vicious when they feel cornered.
Still, the Anti-Jeb's maiden State of the State speech must have freaked them out bigtime. He promised to actually institute class-size limits in schools (you voted for this under the Uber-Jeb but he ignored it). He promised millions of dollars for the environment. THE ENVIRONMENT! When the Anti-Jeb commenced to quoting Robert F. Kennedy, several prominent Republicans fainted and a lobbyist pitching a hissy fit had to be subdued by capitol police firing a Bourbon-scented Tazer.
All is not fabulous, however. While the Anti-Jeb wants $190 million extra to clean up and restore the Caloosahatchee and St. Lucie rivers and other parts of the Everglades ecosystem, Florida Power and Light wants to build a mercury-spewing coal-fired plant down in the 'glades. Speaker of the House Marco Rubio, aged 12, wants to ditch property taxes and raise the sales tax. Which is great if you own a big-ass house and less great if you are, oh, young, old, poor or have children. Sales taxes are regressive. Banana Republican. Property taxes pay for the cops, the schools, the roads, the libraries, the parks - stuff like that.
There will be more wickedness coming our way. This is Florida. This is the state where a city official in Largo is going to get fired because he wants a sex-change operation. This is the state where people see the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich. This is the state where the magistrate in the case of Anna Nicole's rotting, yet babelicious, body weeps on camera to pump up his TV Judge audition tape. The Anti-Jeb has a lot of work to do.
|
